Grand Plan at the Kingdom by the River (9)

By Peter G. Jimenea, Hole of Justice

The parliament at the Kingdom by the River recently did something funny: it appropriated funds for a non-existent office.

Nine million seven hundred thousand (9.7) were allotted to Kawpid for fiscal year 2011. Of the amount, 34,000 is set aside in salary for Hydrocephallus, a known plagiarist and inept but overly-ambitious personality, as head of that non-existing office.

That would not have happened had the opposition, namely Gen, Manly, Inday, Monde and Yielo were awoke. The quintet were deep in slumber.

“Ay, wara takon kamaan kara, haw?” remonstrates Gen.

“Ya, bisan balabagan pa namon ran, maperde dulang gihapon kami sa botohay,” remarks Manly.

“Hai, anano man tana sanda, man?” heaves Yielo.

“Insa nakalusot day-a?” asks Inday in her sweet innocence.


"Naisahan gid tana kita," squints Monde.

When I encountered Gen and Manly at the palace last week, I could only smile at them for having been asleep while the thief struck in the deep of the night. I told them that Kawpid was a creature that Hydrocephallus, Dok Kagaw, Ellen of Troy, Mamasang, Boy Bakling and Tibakla designed to catapult Hydrocephallus and subsequently, Bogart, to this inglorious height.

Kawpid sprang from the carcasses of Kaw, Radyo Mo and Kingdom Information Office, which were created by law dating back to the reign of King Rading yet. The first, a division, was awarded to Hydrocephallus after the 2010 elections on recommendation of Bogart through the prodding of Jijimon Mutya.

However, last October, Hydrocephallus and Dok Kagaw surreptitiously slipped to the desk of King Tura a budget proposal that allotted a single budget for all three divisions, which the parliament blindly granted.

The approved combined budget for Kaw, KIO and Radyo Mo served as “legal basis” for Hydrocephallus to draft an executive order (EO) “creating” the Kawpid and de facto dissolving the three divisions, and appointing him to its pinnacle post.

The EO notes that the “approval” of a single budget for all three divisions has “created” the Kawpid and, therefore, the appointment of Hydrocephallus as head of the “new” office.

That is cute. The EO itself and the surreptitious manner with which it slipped to King Tura’s desk is suspicious. The draft did not pass through the scrutiny of the kingdom legal office. It bore no initial of Papa Dionisio, the kingdom attorney.

Only the initial of Dok Kagaw appears below the signature of King Tura.

I reminded Gen and Manly when I dropped by the former’s office last week: “Ano kamo, man? The Kaw is an office created by law, it has legal personality and you were right when you budgetted it in past fiscal years. Radyo Mo has also legal personality, thus, budgeting it is legal. So is the KIO.”

Manly and Gen were stunned when I told them: “Kawpid has no legal personality. You have allotted funds to a non-existent office”.

Gen looked perplexed, showing the reaction of a brilliant intelligence officer who suddenly realized himself having been acting and treated like a jack ass. “Bay-i lang kay i-pribilids spits ko ra,” he explained.

The Kawpid is the single biggest comedy played this year. Let’s know the other key players who facilitated the birth of this creature.

Mamasang certified to the availability of funds of it. Her palatial residence in Haru-an is made of identical building materials used in the old palace, especially the demolished RPTA building.

Ellen of Troy, justified its creation and funding. She had taken and retaken the civil service exams again, again and again but never scored above 50 percent.

Tibakla justified the position of Hydrocephallus in the new plantilla. She and Mamasang are known for their good habit of entertaining male higher ups in cozy, private rooms to get themselves promoted.

Boy Bakling is a new comer like Hydrocephallus but his bond with Hydrocephallus is unbreakable so long as the latter continues his kindness of supplying him with cats, the figurative version of the word which walks on one, not two, pair of legs, if you know what I mean.

The comedy befalling the Kingdom by the River is the core of the plot codenamed “Grand Plan” hatched in the office of Bogart which aims to pave the way for his entry as successor of King Tura.

Hydrocephallus was indorsed to Bogart by Jijimon Mutya and subsequently unleashed to the kingdom to prepare the take-over. This is based on the scenario that King Tura is badly ill and is unlikely to complete his term.

It is not a comedy actually, at least for two employees, namely, Ma’am Malou who were unceremoniously booted out and demoted from the seat of the KIO, and her assistant, Bikya. 


She and Bikya were stricken off the payroll because they opposed the takeover of the KIO and the illegal entry of Hyrcephallus. For the month of February, Ma’am Malou and Bikya have no salaries as result. Tibakla and Gin Butlog deleted their names on prodding of Hydrocephallus and Dok Kagaw.

Their salaries will be restored if and only if they conceded to their demotions. KIO is running out of supplies; it has no more bondpaper and ink for the printer. Hydrocephallus is crippling it to submission by withholding the flow of office supplies and the salaries of the two employees.

I can’t believe this is happening with impunity and with unprecedented brazenness. The Kingdom by the Mall under The  Jedi, the Kingdom of Khan Laon under Bingomania, are moving on smoothly since the May elections. 


But in the Kingdom by the river...may I ask, what’s going on, King Tura?